because this is a moment to be thankful for

What is normal? I suppose it is what you become familiar with. It could be constant external upheaval and internal peace, or it could be external tranquility masking raging internal conflicts. No matter what the normal for a person may be, it is hard for an outsider to discern. I know our life doesn't look normal. I acknowledge this to myself when I feel left out,  noting the difficulty it must be  for others to relate, or quite honestly, knowing that is not unfair for others to intentionally try to avoid including us for the simple fact that our normal is straining and difficult for others to be around.  Sometimes though, even as dense as I am, I get a moment to realize that really this is a different life.  I am thankful for the difference, not because it makes me better than others, or wiser, but because I think without it, I would indeed be very dull toward the needs of others, or the normal but constant pressure the families of the "different" live.   Only those who live it understand that this is not a cliche: "they have taught me more than I have taught them, I needed them, not they me, and it is they who have saved me from myself"  So the cliche is based on profound truth.  Every day, this is true. Every day I am starkly reminded how self-centered I can be.
And so today, when I caught myself suddenly thinking "well, I guess it is a little different to have seven sons from three continents, this sudden binding of cultures and backgrounds and traumas and needs"  It seems so normal.  Or maybe normal is just not noticing that this is not the normal routine of life.  I don't think I know what normal is. I don't know or judge if it is good or bad. Normal or not is not a measure of holiness. It may be good. I think in many ways it is a conduit to great good. But, it is probably not my life. Or maybe it is.  I don't know. But I do know this. "this is a moment for which I am truly thankful" "I am thankful for my 7 sons. I am thankful for their bio families that I have been able to meet and the ones I never will meet, orphanage families, their cultures, their strengths and weaknesses, their humor, their quirks," "I am thankful for this messy, blended family," and frankly (and a bit tongue-in-cheek); moments where I say "I am thankful no one killed anyone today and we are all under one roof without the unspeakable anguish of a missing child at this moment."  You cannot harden yourself enough for the non-normal, you cannot be strong enough that "it won't affect me, I will be prepared." So in its place, every moment, instead, I have found that "because this is a moment to be thankful for" is a good replacement for normal.
Because this is a moment to be thankful for:
Our boys have been home for good for 8 weeks.  Oh what a moment to be thankful for!

update :)

Sorry for no posts in a long time.  Life has been busier than usual :) But we are all very excited around our home as K & V will be arriving, God willing, on Monday (!) for a summer hosting program!  We were so thankful that K in particular was able to get his visa as he just turned 17 yesterday -- getting to be such a big boy!~
Can't wait to see these two!

The boys will head back to Ukraine on August 30 as this is not part of the adoption, but is a pure hosting situation: nonetheless it is a great joy and delight to be together :)  

Paperwork for the adoption continues on, slow but steady. We hope our dossier will be done this summer. 

In preparation for summer we have gotten a much larger vehicle (15 passenger--ouch), ask me in person, but I used to vow I would never buy a vehicle this large! ("and it's crazy things that love will make you do...") and are trying to frantically finish up the boys new room. (yes, nesting happens even when you are expecting teens and tweens!) 

I've also accepted the medical directorship of a PCMH clinic which is fair commute away, and I and my staff are working like crazy to get everything ready for a AAAHC re-accreditation coming up. Whew!

Daniel has been under a lot rapid-fire deadlines and product issues all over the world. I am so grateful for his cheerful heart, his diligence and his calm personality even under so much pressure. He can come home after a crazy day in the office and start playing with the boys, and help me with dinner, adoption paperwork, and lend a supportive ear to my ravings about office re-credentialing stress, and then finish up coaching J through all his physical therapy excersizes. :) He is the best, you guys.

That's the update for now :) 

Must run.  Our hearts are full of expectant joy and longing waiting for our precious boys. We do truly do appreciate your prayers for wisdom and grace this summer as we love and parent all 7 boys.   

To wait

Waiting.
The pauses in life, that are often neither slow nor restful!
Often, I don't do well at waiting. I am an incredibly skilled and prolific fretter though! With K back safely in Ukraine, we still didn't have answers for what we should do, and frankly I was worried by every option I could see.  We were seeking advice, weighing pros and cons for and against adoption, visas; but how I missed my godly mother's wise and Biblical advice. A few trusted friends understood better where we were in our struggle, having passed through some of the fires of older child adoption, the financial struggles, the long term needs of children from hard places. Their words were and are valued treasures to us.  One beautiful silver-haired adoptive momma's words came at just this time, via an unexpected phone call. "Anastasia," she said, "I don't know your situation completely, but my advice to all women is, one, your husband is your head and you need to submit to him, you are not to nag him nor try to manipulate him. If you both fast and pray together, God will direct your paths, but if you try to run ahead or manipulate the situation, I cannot tell you how many homes and children that has damaged, how much trouble comes from this sort of disunity between husband and wife."
These words, I know, sound rather counter cultural. But they are sound in every way. In the adoption community of all backgrounds, a lack of unity between the parents is often noted to be one of the most destructive forces to the success of an adoptive placement. Unity is a primary and joyful  goal of Christian marriage. I often hear women refer to submission as a miserable thing they must do, and frankly in this attitude it seems like unity is the last thing that could describe their relationships.
Just hearing this wise woman talk about older child adoption, sibling groups, and some of the extremely difficult behaviors she has worked with over the last several decades, and the unity I know she and her husband have in these matters was such a refreshment to my soul.  "If your husband says 'I believe we should go forward' don't panic!" Oh, how I needed to hear the "don't panic!" 
So more than anything, I began to pray that Daniel and I would have a joyful, confident unity on the next step. We talked together and set times to pray and fast together.  Spending time separately in the Bible and then coming together in the evenings after work to discuss what we had meditated on that day, began to give us strong confidence to the next step.
Daniel came home one evening and said, "Sweetheart, I would like to know what you think, but as scary as it appears to us, I really believe we should begin the process to adopt both boys, what do you think?"
Oh, sweet unity.
Just that afternoon, after great struggle, during which I had adamantly told God "I love the boys, I do!, but I just CAN'T! and then in shame broke down: "Ok, obviously, I CAN'T.  But you can, and I believe you want me to be willing and all in."   The verses that had been saturating my mind were all the passages of "If anyone is not willing to take up his cross and follow Me, they cannot be my disciple"
So there we were: in total agreement, and it was a unity written by the God of peace
.

 
Now...

That would be a gorgeous place to leave this post. But, just because I am very, very human, when my phone gave a bing a few moments later, I reverted to anxiety, fretting and sobbing.
It was a message from Ukraine.  Not much context, but it stated that some of the adoption facilitators had met with K and somehow the topic of adoption had come up, and K had said that he loved our family very much, and was very happy with us, so much happier than he had ever thought he could be...but, he thought he would be better off in a family with teens, and please would we still be his friends and love him and not be mad, "please tell them I love them and I was so happy with them!"  Well of course we weren't angry, but I was in shock and brokenhearted. First, we had no intention of telling K yet as he has been hurt before, and we wanted to be farther along, so he could see we were serious and committed, and two, I was so sad he would be afraid we would be angry that he wanted to be in another family.  And I was brokenhearted that he couldn't be our son.
To me, it was  

THE . END . OF . THE . STORY . ALL . DONE . NO . MORE . PAGES . FINISHED . PERIOD.

Of course, God often puts opposites together for very, very good reasons.  Daniel stared at his sobbing wife, and said, "But, sweetheart, why are you sad? God is not done writing this story! I am not worried, precious!"

Well, wouldn't you know...

Less than 24hrs later, I got another message from Ukraine.  K had frantically called the facilitators back, after they had left his orphanage, saying he couldn't stop thinking about being a part of our family, and how happy he was with us, and please, please could he be allowed to reconsider?, and he hoped we would still want him and not be angry with him. Sweet teenager, we love you and we always will.  We know adoption is scary and everything tells you to say no. When you see an adopted child struggling, remember that they are incredibly brave to be willing to chance a new home, a new culture, and terrifying new relationship "Family."

Many weeks later, we found out that K was the one who asked if we would adopt him, and when he couldn't be given an answer(we hadn't told anyone yet our decision!), he felt scared and wanted to protect himself from further hurt, so it took great courage for him to call back and ask to be adopted, because at the time he really thought we didn't want to adopt him! Our brave, brave boy. We know you put your heart on the line in a very scary way. We know there will be many, many painful ups and downs before this story is written. I know I can't even imagine them now. I have no idea what the ending of this story will be. But together, we hold our Father's gentle and strong hand and we trust.

And we wait.

And we work, work, work while we wait.

What happened next...

<--K enjoying a chat with family :)

When Daniel and I agreed to the last-minute hosting, we agreed that it was a host-only situation, but as Daniel said "We do need to pray about and be open to bringing K on a student visa, since he is not adoptable, and we need to advocate for him to find a family who would be willing to bring him on a student visa, if God does not lead us to do that. But, we don't want to make any promises until we are sure that God desires us to do differently"  As we were getting to know this funny, sweet, opinionated, smart and precious teen, we were continuing to pray and research student visas, and both  just starting to lean toward the possibility of pursuing the student visa.  Now suddenly, the world was spinning under our feet. And, I do mean spinning. I literally felt dizzy most of that day.  Sometimes I still do! 

How amazing and unbelievable is our God?  To orchestrate the movements of two little boys who had lost each other, to pass through an airport on the exact same day, going in opposite directions, and then just a glimpse! Just a glimpse! Then a stray comment, a director who couldn't sleep....I still can't get over it. 

I love my God! He is great and mighty, yet tender and gentle.

But, we were pretty racked with the "what are we to do now?!?!?!"  So prayerfully, we began advocating for both boys.  We had received some information on V and I had a small snapshot K carried of V as well. I nearly cried when we sent out the first advocacy email.  I don't know, maybe I expected a flooded inbox of "me! me! me! I want to adopt them!"  Which would have been awesome, and hard all at once. I was struggling. Daniel, he is a pretty calm and steady man. ;)  He was convinced that God would answer our prayers, bring a family for K and V or clearly show us that we were their family and there was nothing to worry about.  Half of me was like "oh, please let it be us", Instantly followed by "no! for shame, Anastasia! There is no way that could work and anyway, I know God that you have a good plan, and I don't want to stand in the way of that, I really don't. I want your will. This is so scary and big, just even the thought! Please bring a family for these precious boys!" Daniel had to keep encouraging me to trust.  I am so thankful for my loving and patient husband. 

The week after Christmas, one of the boys had to have major surgery (an ongoing part of his medical needs). The car (which has never had trouble) broke down on the way to the surgery out of state the night before surgery and we had to get a rental car, frantically find a hotel, then K drove with me and little Lion late into the night to make it for the surgery on time, while Daniel stayed with the little boys at a hotel and waited for the car to get fixed.   Crazy! We were impressed with how 

well K handled this stressful situation, and I was thankful for his presence at the hospital to cheer up little Lion, who is very brave, but understandably hates surgery... (me too! sweet little boy!)

We continued to talk with P143, but could only tell them  "We are praying. Please advocate for the boys, we would rather our hearts be broken than theirs, we want them to have a good family and we don't have an answer yet, so we are praying, but don't want to hinder them getting a good family" 

Far too soon, the day came for us to drive K back to the airport.  That day, we also got news that as we feared, the surgeon had found a rare aggressive cancer during Little lion's surgery. Thankfully, the margins were clear, but it was hard to imagine what would have happened if there had been a delay for this surgery. I reminded myself, "There are no near misses with God" It was a very hard day.  The little guys couldn't believe K would really go. They had grown very fond of him. When it came time to say "Goodbye" they barreled so hard into him that they knocked him to the ground.  It was good to have a moment of laughter as we tried to keep a brave face.  K finally had to go, last of the orphans to leave, being gently herded a long by a chaperone. He kept turning to search for us and wave, and we peered through the crowds trying to get every glimpse we could.  When he was finally all the way through and we couldn't see him anymore, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body.  There was a lot of crying all the way home. In just a short time, he had become a part of our family. I was afraid there was no chance we would ever get to see him again. "Oh [me] of little faith"  I still don't know what will happen in the future, but Daniel is right, "God is not done writing this story!"  We had a long and good talk on the way home. 

Here are two pictures of the results of the multi-boy-tackle-hug! haha, I didn't have my camera out at first so didn't catch the pile of 4 boys all on top of poor K.  Thank God for moments of laughter!

The next morning, the little boys began asking "Is K coming back today?" "WHY NOT??!!?!" "Daddy and mommy need to get on a plane and go get him. You just tell them, he needs to come back here."  Hmmmph. Silly parents to think it is hard! 

The Christmas Eve Miracle

Sometimes He comes, moving softly, and rearranges our lives without our noticing.  The view has changed, but not so much that we notice. Then, after a few moment, the light is now in view. The perspective has completely changed. But not always. Sometimes He moves so quickly, we are left blinking in the radiance, and clinging onto porch railings!

The days leading up to Christmas were busy. With all the family in town, one of my brothers had graciously rented one of those mega-uber-huge-dwellings that pass in our part of the country under the humble moniker of "cabin"
Sweet K shyly hung out on the fringes, but was willing to be pulled into the circle of love and laughter.  Kids ran about shrieking with delight and trying to peak into presents clustered around the towering Christmas tree.  The mists clung over the mountains and soft dew sprinkled your face when you stepped outside.
Chores and errands still needed to be run, feasts cooked and schedules arranged as the plan was to celebrate on Christmas Eve when the largest contingent of family would be present.  And in the midst of the busyness, a single offhand comment changed our lives forever.
When the children come to the US on the hosting program, many rules surround their stay for their comfort and safety. Among these is the necessary contact with orphanage chaperones who travel with the children and stay stateside. K's assigned chaperone was a cheery young woman who understood and loved the kids in her care.  I often enjoyed chatting with her when I had K call in for his check-ins, and she would fill me in on anything K was too embarrassed to tell me :)
A few days before Christmas we were chatting by text, and she asked how K was treating the younger kids.  I responded that he was remarkably kind and patient with them, and they really liked him! She responded that she was not surprised, after all, he had a younger brother of whom he was very fond. "Yes," I responded, "Yes, he talks about V every day, many times. Sometimes he is very sad when he talks about V "  The chaperone responded with "They are in dif. Orphanages" I was surprised by this statement as I had heard that V was no longer in the orphanage system and had been taken into foster care.  (different than the US, foster care legally separates siblings) So cautiously, as I knew there was a language barrier, I asked "Yes, I head V was in foster care and he couldn't see him anymore, is that right?" "No," She texted. "They are in different orphanages and far from each other"
I was startled, but knew that if this were true it could mean the difference between K having a chance at a family vs never having a family.  Still, I was puzzled. We had asked so many people about V and the foster system, and everyone had seemed sure about his status.  I decided to send a quick note to one of those working with the orphans to see if I could get clarification.  I got no reply and assumed that it was a case of misunderstandings. Honestly, there are thousands of orphans.  It would be understandable to get sibling pairs confused.
Christmas eve, I was busy in the kitchen when my husband came downstairs and handed me his phone, "It's [p143 worker]" he said, "she says she has been trying to reach you all morning and it's very urgent."  I stepped out onto the porch for privacy. I could hear a tremble in the voice on the other end of the line. "I just had to call you right away, you are never going to believe this, my goodness, I don't believe it myself!!"
She shared with me that after receiving my query about V's whereabouts, she had dismissed it as likely a confusion, as she had personally verified last summer that V was taken into foster care. She had spoken with the orphanage director! It had to be a mistake. That night she was unable to sleep. "I felt like the Lord wanted me to check one more time" So the next morning, she reached out to her contacts in Ukraine: facilitators, adoption lawyers, orphanage directors.  She believed that the story she heard was nothing short of miraculous.  "Unfortunately, many people view fostering as a meal ticket" she explained. Shortcomings in the system made oversight and protection difficult, and kids once in the system were "gone forever."  In V's case, he had indeed been chosen for foster care, and the family had arrived to take him.  Yet, apparently after signing papers....they left....and never returned! "The director said he has never seen this happen! He didn't know what to do, so they transferred V to another orphanage very far from there, and nobody knew!" "Oh, and get this, he's actually in Italy being hosted by another family there. But I've reached that hosting organization, and they say that the Italian family is a host-only family, they are not planning to adopt, so you realize this means that K&V can actually have a chance at a family!"  I felt as if the world was spinning under my feet.  Of course, P143 wanted to know if we wanted to pursue adoption.  "We have got to pray, I mean, yes, if you have a family for them, then by all means go ahead, please advocate, advocate for the boys, but we need time to pray!" "No, we have advocated and no family except you have come forward, so you take your time and pray about it!" I literally was holding onto the porch railing to keep my balance. I was thrilled for K &V, awed that God had heard our prayers that V would be found, and wondering what on earth we were supposed to do. I was sure that adoption was impossible, but of course we would pray about it.
Later that evening, K and I were talking about it (via google translate!) "I thought he was gone, but he is not because I saw him at the front of the plane" "What do you mean?" I asked. "He was at the front of the airplane near the nose! In Kiev, I do not know why, he was there, and I saw him, far, far away"  After a lot of discussion it turned out that indeed, K was the one who spotted V on his way to Italy, he told his chaperone and the world started turning...
So a lonely big brother spotted a tiny boy, too far away to say anything and knew his brother and God brought all the pieces together!

"Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save;

 neither His ear heavy, that it cannot hear..."

When you are too busy, Part 3

We had heard that K had a prospective family, but then news came that it might not work out.  I remember feeling sick for him.  In the past 6 months, he had gotten to be reunited with his baby brother (after 18 months of unexpected separation) and met a host family who promised to adopt him. After more than 10 years in an orphanage, he thought he would finally have a forever family and no one would ever threaten again to separate him and his brother. Then, when his hopes were highest, his younger brother was removed, apparently into an unknown foster situation and a few months later, the  host family had changed their mind and no longer wanted to adopt him. He was crushed. Now Christmas was coming, and no one had chosen him. Was another family going to say no? 

Daniel and I prayed a lot and discussed the situation.  I was scheduled to have a somewhat risky-for-me procedure on Dec 18.  Daniel said "If the advocate calls back and K still needs a family, we can't say yes unless he is arriving after that date" We waited and prayed, and tried to figure out how we could even afford the hosting. Two adoptions, a baby, and lots of medical bills (our adopted boys have significant medical needs) had. added. up.
Designated "X" money was half ;) 

Then we got the call back.  "Unfortunately, the prospective family who promised to adopt K has decided that they cannot take him, and don't want to host him.  Every other family who has approached us has backed out when they heard (his situation), are you all still interested in hosting him for this Christmas?"  Be still my heart!  "Can you tell me what date he would be arriving?"  

"December 19th"  

YES!!!

And so K came for Christmas.  What an incredible privilege! He is precious and funny, shy and smart, fashion conscious ;) ,  kind and patient with the little guys. He even was willing to put up with being dropped into our  week long massive family gathering, though I think he about fell over when I told him I have 12 brothers and sisters...and most of them would be there with spouses, kids and friends!  He shared with us how much he missed his little brother, V. We began researching the possibility of bringing him to the US on a student visa, since without his younger brother he was unadoptable by US law. But as Daniel likes to say "God is not done writing this story" God had a surprise for us on Christmas Eve...

When you are too busy Part 2

Heading to the parade, my DH drove as usual, and I read to him the profile.  We were very familiar with the hosting organization, it was something of a sister organization to the agency we adopted both of our boys from China through, CCAI.  The host organization Project 143 had been around only 5 years, but had already hosted over 1000 kids to the US. Familiar, yes, but in a "What an awesome idea...for somebody else" way. You know?
But this teen's picture, spread all over facebook, had grabbed us. "This," said Daniel, "This is important, eternally important: we want to have God's perspective here. If we are told to love 'the Least of these my bretheren', well...but you know Anastasia, this is going to be hard, and by the way, if we do this, we can't do X"  "I know, Sweetie, but like you said, what is more important here?"  "I agree" he said, firmly.
 "X"?
Oddly enough, the next morning, we were planning to go purchase a rather large purchase "X" of something D and I had been wanting to get for our family for years.  We had tried for two weeks to meet up with the craigslist seller and always some odd reason came up and it had fallen through.  But tomorrow, we had a set time and no reason for it not to work, the money in cash was actually in our glove box...(yeah, I know, sorry it's not there anymore...)
We were in the mountains, with poor signal, but Daniel asked me to call the number and see the time-frame (arrival, length of stay) and cost and when a decision would have to be made. (Guys, we don't ever purposely rush into decisions.....)  I reached the P143 advocate, and after multiple crossed wires and no signal, we finally got to talk.  "Oh!" she said, "I so appreciate you calling, but actually, its totally a miracle, I just got off the phone with a family who had their papers filed before K's 16th birthday, and they have promised to host him and they are going to go back to Ukraine in the spring and adopt him! It is absolutely a miracle! We never find a paper-ready family when a child is already past 16!" She proceeded to tell me that K had a prior family promise to adopt but after he turned 16 they changed their minds and then it was too late for anyone to file papers. "He has a younger brother, you see, but his younger brother has been taken into the foster system, and that means he is legally separated from his brother for life and by US law, he can't be adopted without his younger brother if he is over 16, so really without a family who had filed before his birthday, he has no chance of ever getting a family at this point!"  I was thrilled for K when I heard it, but a funny little pang went through us, but truly we were glad! "We do have two other teens though who don't have a home for Christmas too, can I tell you about them?" "Yes, we would be glad to hear about them!"  She told us about the other two, both 16 and "unadoptable." One was a girl with a lot of similar interests.  D and I told her we would pray about it and let her know in the morning (There wasn't a lot of time! when I asked her when the deadline was, she laughed and said "it was last month, but we just couldn't bear to leave these 3 kids behind, so we've been pleading for a month!")
The next morning, we had agreed that we should say "Yes" to the teen girl (all you people rooting for us to get a girl, you would have been so proud!) So, I called the advocate back.  "Actually, we have  family for her now! But, there may be an issue with K's family, I am not sure, so can I call you back when I find out for sure?"  A couple days passed, we prayed that God would give K a good, loving, faithful, unconditional family.  I didn't pray it would be us, I wanted to (yeah, trying to be honest) but I felt deep peace to just say "Please Father, bless this precious boy with a family to call his own! May they love You, and be totally committed to him!"

The story continues: Part 3