Waiting.
The pauses in life, that are often neither slow nor restful!
Often, I don't do well at waiting. I am an incredibly skilled and prolific fretter though! With K back safely in Ukraine, we still didn't have answers for what we should do, and frankly I was worried by every option I could see. We were seeking advice, weighing pros and cons for and against adoption, visas; but how I missed my godly mother's wise and Biblical advice. A few trusted friends understood better where we were in our struggle, having passed through some of the fires of older child adoption, the financial struggles, the long term needs of children from hard places. Their words were and are valued treasures to us. One beautiful silver-haired adoptive momma's words came at just this time, via an unexpected phone call. "Anastasia," she said, "I don't know your situation completely, but my advice to all women is, one, your husband is your head and you need to submit to him, you are not to nag him nor try to manipulate him. If you both fast and pray together, God will direct your paths, but if you try to run ahead or manipulate the situation, I cannot tell you how many homes and children that has damaged, how much trouble comes from this sort of disunity between husband and wife."
These words, I know, sound rather counter cultural. But they are sound in every way. In the adoption community of all backgrounds, a lack of unity between the parents is often noted to be one of the most destructive forces to the success of an adoptive placement. Unity is a primary and joyful goal of Christian marriage. I often hear women refer to submission as a miserable thing they must do, and frankly in this attitude it seems like unity is the last thing that could describe their relationships.
Just hearing this wise woman talk about older child adoption, sibling groups, and some of the extremely difficult behaviors she has worked with over the last several decades, and the unity I know she and her husband have in these matters was such a refreshment to my soul. "If your husband says 'I believe we should go forward' don't panic!" Oh, how I needed to hear the "don't panic!"
So more than anything, I began to pray that Daniel and I would have a joyful, confident unity on the next step. We talked together and set times to pray and fast together. Spending time separately in the Bible and then coming together in the evenings after work to discuss what we had meditated on that day, began to give us strong confidence to the next step.
Daniel came home one evening and said, "Sweetheart, I would like to know what you think, but as scary as it appears to us, I really believe we should begin the process to adopt both boys, what do you think?"
Oh, sweet unity.
Just that afternoon, after great struggle, during which I had adamantly told God "I love the boys, I do!, but I just CAN'T! and then in shame broke down: "Ok, obviously, I CAN'T. But you can, and I believe you want me to be willing and all in." The verses that had been saturating my mind were all the passages of "If anyone is not willing to take up his cross and follow Me, they cannot be my disciple"
So there we were: in total agreement, and it was a unity written by the God of peace
.
Now...
That would be a gorgeous place to leave this post. But, just because I am very, very human, when my phone gave a bing a few moments later, I reverted to anxiety, fretting and sobbing.
It was a message from Ukraine. Not much context, but it stated that some of the adoption facilitators had met with K and somehow the topic of adoption had come up, and K had said that he loved our family very much, and was very happy with us, so much happier than he had ever thought he could be...but, he thought he would be better off in a family with teens, and please would we still be his friends and love him and not be mad, "please tell them I love them and I was so happy with them!" Well of course we weren't angry, but I was in shock and brokenhearted. First, we had no intention of telling K yet as he has been hurt before, and we wanted to be farther along, so he could see we were serious and committed, and two, I was so sad he would be afraid we would be angry that he wanted to be in another family. And I was brokenhearted that he couldn't be our son.
To me, it was
THE . END . OF . THE . STORY . ALL . DONE . NO . MORE . PAGES . FINISHED . PERIOD.
Of course, God often puts opposites together for very, very good reasons. Daniel stared at his sobbing wife, and said, "But, sweetheart, why are you sad? God is not done writing this story! I am not worried, precious!"
Well, wouldn't you know...
Less than 24hrs later, I got another message from Ukraine. K had frantically called the facilitators back, after they had left his orphanage, saying he couldn't stop thinking about being a part of our family, and how happy he was with us, and please, please could he be allowed to reconsider?, and he hoped we would still want him and not be angry with him. Sweet teenager, we love you and we always will. We know adoption is scary and everything tells you to say no. When you see an adopted child struggling, remember that they are incredibly brave to be willing to chance a new home, a new culture, and terrifying new relationship "Family."
Many weeks later, we found out that K was the one who asked if we would adopt him, and when he couldn't be given an answer(we hadn't told anyone yet our decision!), he felt scared and wanted to protect himself from further hurt, so it took great courage for him to call back and ask to be adopted, because at the time he really thought we didn't want to adopt him! Our brave, brave boy. We know you put your heart on the line in a very scary way. We know there will be many, many painful ups and downs before this story is written. I know I can't even imagine them now. I have no idea what the ending of this story will be. But together, we hold our Father's gentle and strong hand and we trust.
And we wait.
And we work, work, work while we wait.
